Today...

I'd rather be, uh, nevermind. Forget I said that.

It’s been interesting. Listening to live feeds. King talking to congress. Women commiserating, righteously. Rescued a kitten. Ignored by a colleague. Writing exercise was a waste of time. Walked a mile in the sun. Called an old friend. Listened to the radio and found a new song I really like. Recovered some content from MySpace. And I still have another half a day to go. And my internet is spotty at best.

So… should I complain? Am I complaining? I don’t feel like I am. I’m in a pretty good mood. I been thinking about certain words that we use for some emotions. Like angry. Mad, pissed off, seeing red, etc. Or happy, glad, joyful, satisfied, etc. I realized that for me, each word has a particular meaning that only that word describes. Mad and angry are not interchangeable.

I mention this because I have felt a lot of emotions today. The one that is lingering is heartache. My heart is broken. It’s the actual physical sensation that make that word the only one that fits. Devastated. Sad. Even unhappy, are valid but all fall short of seeming accurate or true. What's more it's not from today but, a remnant from days weeks, or even months ago. It just sits there waiting. All it takes is a word or a smell, a picture to throw fresh fuel onto what is smoldering. That tells me that my heart is still broken and that I still have a lot of work to do. And I wonder how could I avoid it or why I don't feel it from time to time. Sometimes for days. Each time it returns or reveals itself or comes out from it’s hiding place from wherever it is I have buried it this time, it is instantly recognizable and as fresh as a new spring day. Blooming in its splendor and glory completely ignorant of the way it imposes itself on my will. Taking its place proudly in the center of the stage.

Sometimes barely perceptible to anyone that would see. Other times it can literally drop me to my knees. A lot of times I know it will be coming to haunt me. Sometimes it is such a surprise that I am truly frightened by it’s arrival. I have carried it with me for so long I've adjusted and compensated in certain ways that many view my behaviors as unusual to say the least. I try to practice all the good advice that I have been given to heal this broken heart, this wound, this damage. I still feel scar opening up each time.

I ask myself is the recurring instances of heartbreak I have endured is what keep it so fresh. I ask myself how will I know if I do heal it? And what will it be like then. Will it just be a memory like the night I slept on the train? Will the pain of it ever diminish? Will it ever completely vanish? I know that the pain and the way it effects me contributes to me being alone. Thankfully less often it contributes to me being lonely. Today is not one of those days. Today I'm alone, I'm lonely, and my heart is broken. And I did not expect any of it today. And yet the joy of a new kitten overwhelms me in contrast.

I've learned how to live with it I suppose. From the outside looking in most people have no idea. When I do talk about it most people are completely surprised about the experiences that I have had. And I've learned a lot of people just don’t understand because they've never been there. I've chosen not to speak about my heartbreak unless it is to assist or help somebody else with theirs. There are a couple people that I actually seek out regularly to check on their progress with their healing.

Today is one of those, wtf is next, days. And I am going to embrace it in all of it’s expletive inducing, eye rolling, counter productive, laugh at it later moments. I’d say wish me luck, but I’m not sure how that will manifest. Ask me about it tomorrow.